Who Am I Supposed to Be?!

I decided to be a writer when I was a little girl. 

If you've been reading here for a while, you may have heard the story about my first foray into the realm of literature: the story was about the Holocaust -every character died -even the narrator -it was written in first-person, present tense (the last words being, And the I lie down in the snow and die). I was eight. 

I never liked playing with dolls, never cared for tea parties, and when we played dress-up, I was always the hip journalist living in her New York loft while my cousins had husbands and children. They had on frilly aprons -I had on blue jeans and a mission. And I kept on writing about tragedies. 

I lost a little of the melodrama (mind you, only a little) between eight and sixteen. I read authors like Harper Lee and Mildred D. Taylor, and my voice and passion as a writer was impacted by their indelible fingerprints: I wanted to write. I was hungry to write. And I was hungry to read great writing. John Steinbeck. Jane Austen. Ray Bradbury. Emily and Charlotte Bronte. George Orwell. William Shakespeare. 

Wordsworth. Yeats. Browning. Longfellow. 

I wanted to be swallowed into the world of literature.

And then there was film. Bright, bold, and exciting -such a delicate art-form that packed such a powerful punch. I wanted to be Steven Spielberg with an afro -the female M. Night Shyamalan -the Christian Peter Jackson (I know: "Peter Jackson? Really, Jasmine?" I thought King Kong was brilliant at the time).

I found out later that I also have this passion for art history and humanities. I love philosophy. I love ethical conundrums. I loved getting that box of books from that sweet lady at my church full of Locke, Hume, Tolstoy, Descartes, Goethe, Smith, Chaucer, Darwin, Bacon, Augustine, Rousseau, Montesquieu, and so many others...

And I love drama! I love Tennessee Williams. I love to read it and I love to act it out. 

And then something really amazing happened: the Lord changed my heart regarding marriage -regarding home life -regarding domesticity...

And I went from being the chick who daydreamed about growing old in a basement full of books with her brilliant novels to hand down to posterity to wanting to be a woman who passed a Christ-exalting legacy down to her children. I went from craving renowned -be it from a Pulitzer Prize or an Oscar or an Oprah appearance (okay, so I dreamed big)-to craving to please the Lord through delighting in his design for the home (which turned out to be an even bigger dream). I went from saying I would never in a million years settle down one day to praying for my future husband almost every day. 

Let me tell you: it was a paradigm shift. 

And I entered a total and complete crisis. 

I mean, think about it, ya'll: I'm this girl who has devoted all of her spare time to trying to be the smartest, most widely-read, most extensively well-written, most articulate female that there is (an impossible goal, I know, but I was working on it)... who now wants nothing more than to be a wife and mother.

I'm going to be honest with you: at that point in my life, I was so anxious to shape myself into that ideal woman that I would have had a book burning and filled my shelves with cookbooks if that's what it took. 

Are you there right now? 

Are you so anxious to embrace "biblical womanhood" that you would take the thing you're most passionate about and watch it go up in flames because the most popular blogger tells you it isn't domestic enough -because you read a book that seemed to imply that your talent was useless if it didn't contribute to your home's decor -because you think that's what's going to attract the kind of man you're looking for?

I was there, and no one had even asked it of me. 

I went to my dad with tears in my eyes, thinking about To Kill a Mockinbird and how I would never read it again if it wasn't feminine enough for me to peruse, and I said, "What do I need to do in order to contribute to this household, Dad? Who do I need to be in order to become the woman God wants me to be?"

My dad didn't give a second thought to it. "I could really use a research assistant."

I had already been doing some work for Daddy, so I was taken aback. Surely when he said "research assistant" he meant "tea-service consultant" or "doily crocheter." 

But... no. Research assistant it was. My dad explained that he needed me to use the gifts the Lord had already given me in order to help him. And my mom explained that by walking alongside her, day in and day out, and by hearkening to her word and example, I would be getting hands-on preparation in managing a home -unless I wanted to, I didn't have to learn the etiquette for high tea in order to be a woman of God. 

I was so relieved, dear reader -you can't imagine how completely relieved I was! 

Around that time, I noticed what would soon become one of my favorite verses in the Bible:

"Next to him Shallum the son of Hallohesh, ruler of half the district of Jerusalem, repaired, he and his daughters." ~Nehemiah 3:12

The verse is so easily missed tucked in with the difficult-to-pronounce names in the third chapter of what is an obscure book of the Bible to some, but I love it: Nehemiah is rallying the Israelites to build this wall -and Shallum has a mission and a vision to obey the Lord through submitting to Nehemiah's authority -and his daughters come alongside him to help him fulfill that vision. 

They're out there working on a wall! It reminds me of the Proverbs 31 woman: "she... makes her arms strong" (Proverbs 31:17) This, to me, is the epitome of biblical femininity: serving where there is a need. Being able to care for your family, to cook their meals (Proverbs 31:15), to take care of their clothing (Proverbs 31:21), to prioritize well (Proverbs 31:19), to take initiative and to be entrepreneurial and creative (Proverbs 31:16)... but, above all else, to love the Lord (Proverbs 31:30) and to walk in his ways (Proverbs 31:26).

Being able to sew a whole wardrobe for her twenty-first century family? Icing on the cake. Guess what? So is being able to recite Mark Anthony's speech from Julius Caesar with stirring conviction (you bet I can!) Being able to set a resplendent table, complete with elegantly folded napkins and heirloom silverware? It's beautiful and inviting -but it's not gospel. And neither is being able to hold a conversation about the War of 1812. Being able to make things that contribute to the joyful atmosphere of your home -or being able to tell stories in a way that brings them to life and excites the listener? Those are wonderful traits. But they aren't as important as displaying the joy of the Lord and working full-heartedly in whatever sphere he's called you.

I love how Titus 2:3-5 talks about older women teaching younger women to love their husbands -their children -to keep their homes. What does your family need? What are the gifts and passions you are going to bring to the table when it comes to marriage? How are you and your husband going to define the vision of your home? Craning your neck around to see what everyone else is doing can be helpful (hello, blogsophere), but it can also be distracting, and the comparison game can sneak in and strip us of the things that make our home unique. The Body of Christ is diverse... and we all have a different role to play (1 Corinthians 12)

Who cares what the latest trend is? What does the Bible say? What do your parents say? What are your gifts? How can you use them?

Dear sisters, don't lose your joy in trying to become the poster-child of biblical womanhood... because there is no poster-child. We emulate Christ, and we strive to obey his commands -we try to ascertain our gifts so that we can use them for Kingdom work, not so we can one-up the sisters around us, not so we can keep up with the latest fads, and not so we can attract the man of our dreams. We try to make the decisions that will glorify Him with our present circumstances... not the ones that will gain us approval from onlookers, be they the most conservative or the most liberal.

Please forgive me if I have ever encouraged you to do otherwise. 

Serve where you are needed -and serve where the Lord has given you gifts. Grow, indeed, where he has called you to grow -but grow in the essentials, and try not to get bogged down with the icing. Pray for your husband, that he will be a man of God -and pray that what attracts him to you most is that you are both desperately in love with your Savior. Pray with confidence that the Lord will send a man who needs you as his suitable helpmeet -and that you can employ your gifts for God's glory within the context of your future home... not within the context of the latest fad. 

Pray that if you need to learn to change a tire, you can get down on your knees and learn. Pray that if you need to roast a chicken, you can do so beautifully. Pray that if you need to edit an essay, you can do so with skill. And pray that if you need to learn to hem a garment, you can find the help you need. Pray to learn what I am still learning: that embracing femininity isn't about reaching a higher plane -it's about being willing to learn and grow in the skills that will be most helpful for your season in life and in the things that will bring glory to God and will bless those around you.

Pray for me, as I pray for you, that we will become the beautiful women God has called you to be. Me, the Jasmine version. You, the Kate, Hannah, Sarah, Anne, or Emma version. Because if we are all walking in lockstep, we're all missing out on something beautiful: the joy of being fearfully and wonderfully made and delighting in the wisdom of our Maker (Psalm 139).

You let the college trend fly by because you claimed the Lord had work for you to do at home -dear sister, if that's the case, stop craning your neck and becoming distracted by every voice and trend but those that would truly be of service in that sphere. I'm not fussing at you -remember, I've been there! Nothing has given me more peace than adopting the, "You know, I'm glad you enjoy ____. I'm not very good at that, and there are other things that demand my attention right now. Maybe someday, I'll learn, but my family needs me in this way, not in that way, nor do I have an interest in that thing. This doesn't make you more of a godly woman than I am {whether that thing is "domestic" or "intellectual"}. It just makes us different. And I'm okay with that. Isn't God creative?" approach. Yes, it's a mouthful, but boy does it take a load off!

Sometimes, I'm tempted to stop writing here, because I realize I'm writing to the most impressionable demographic that there is: it can be so easy for young women to become bogged down by comparing and emulating instead of honestly evaluating and reaping what encouragement they can. However, consider this a reminder to do just that -and feel free to tap me on the shoulder and let me know if I ever begin encouraging you to do otherwise. ;-)