how not to run into walls, and other reflections

I was trying to be charming.

There was a group of teenagers gathered around talking about something I can't quite remember now. What I do remember was that I was fourteen, and that I was nervous. And then one of the coolest guys I knew turned towards me and flashed a smile that made me even more uncomfortable. And so I did the inevitable, ridiculous thing that insecure teenage girls are supposed to do in situations like those: I turned to walk coolly away from the conversation... and I ran into a wall.

Yes.

In front of the coolest guy I knew... I ran into a wall.

What made it worse was that he immediately rushed over, eyes wide: "Are you okay?"

I wasn't okay. I felt the beginnings of a splitting headache. But it was nothing compared to the humiliation that I knew would linger long after I left the company of my peers. I ran into a wall!

That young man is now happily married, and my humiliation has dissipated; the embarrassing tale has become (as many similar tales in my life become) a perfect illustration of something that many of us struggle with.

Several young ladies have asked some great questions on What to Write. One question has come to me via email as well; from Lynn:

I think it'd be nice if you could post something else on how exactly we should treat our brothers in Christ. My problem is I don't want to treat them exactly how I treat my brother, because I treat my brother in a more friendly relationship [than] what I want with any young man. Can you help?

Back in June, I wrote, Yes, I know... but How? an article about my experience with dealing with crushes. I highlighted some principles that I've found very helpful to remember in my dealings with young men.

1. The way to deal with awkwardness around young men is not to avoid them.
2. We have been commanded to guard our hearts, and we know that, through the grace of the Lord, we can succeed in blocking out unhealthy diversions.
3. The best way to guard our hearts affections is to focus them on the Lord.
4. When we're focused on the Lord, it affects how we treat others -including young men.
5. We should be willing to be held accountable to our parents and godly peers when treading the sometimes confusing waters of guy-gal friendships.

Unfortunately (probably fortunately, actually =), God's Word doesn't give a carefully outlined list of do's and don't's for friendships with our brothers in Christ, and so I'm hesitant to give a list of do's and don't's of my own invention. Really, our heart's attitude is the most important factor to consider; we can seem pristine in our actions towards young men in our lives, and our thought lives might still be displeasing to the Lord. But I feel your pain: Life seemed much simpler when we were younger, didn't it?

Boys had cooties.

End of story.

Of course, as you grow older, you start to realize that, not only do boys not have cooties... but those qualities that used to repel you when you were five either began to dissipate (I don't know many sixteen-year-old guys who still roll in the mud unless there's a contact sport involved), or, instead of repelling, begin attracting (when did teasing sneers turn into appealing grins?!). Our age of the awareness that boys actually aren't all that bad tends to vary from female to female. But, quite inevitably, it happens.

This is often a difficult subject to tackle. If we spend too much time over-analyzing our actions towards them, and their actions towards us, we're liable to become basket-cases around the young men in our lives, and we'll find that we're more and more awkward around them, and that awkwardness might cause us to miss out on some fruitful friendships. My advice is usually to "be yourself." But if you're anything like I've had a history of being, when you're around certain young men, you tend to forget who "yourself" is. Simple tasks like walking across a room or clearing your throat to say "hello" become monumental accomplishments.

When I was a younger woman (not that I'm quite an older woman nowadays, you understand =), "awkward" was my middle name. I was frightfully self-conscious (the result of being unfailingly prideful), and made for a habit of tripping over thin air, bumping into people while I barrelled down hallways with my eyes on my shoes, wearing concert dresses backwards, and... running into walls. Young men made it worse; they were confusing and weird. Instead of sitting down at your lunch table like you knew they wanted to, they teased you. Instead of stopping to talk to you and ask you how you were faring, they stared. Instead of hazarding a, "you look very nice today," they said something like, "What's with the freaky pattern on your shirt?" I didn't know they acted so "weird" because they were nervous, too, or that the way to remove that nervousness wasn't to act strangely in turn.

What would have made me much more comfortable around those young men would have been for them to be genuine. I think the cure to a lot of awkwardness around young men is for us to be genuine in turn. To smile when we offer a genuine greeting, to have guileless, genuine conversation, to assume that their actions towards us are also genuine (and not to take every smile or sign of deference as the prelude to a proposal). In short, part of treating the young men in our lives like brothers in Christ is removing all of the pride and presupposition out of our dealings with them, and putting the focus more on encouraging them than on what they may be thinking of us. I have a theory: the young men in our lives don't ponder for a second things that we fret over for weeks on end. And as confused as we are when they stare at us from across the room instead of making the perilous journey over and saying "hello," they're just as confused when we'd rather duck into a bathroom than talk to them. Your nervousness shows. Keep in mind that your awkward behavior can be just as much of a distraction as your flirtatious behavior; certainly fluttering your eyelashes isn't as attention-grabbing as tripping down a flight of stairs (don't ask).

Where is our heart's attention: on finding a husband? Or on being a sister to every brother or sister that crosses our paths? If our focus is on the former, we're liable to over-think, and to make silly mistakes; if it's on the latter, we're liable to calm down a bit and put things into perspective: why are we so nervous? Yes, purity is a serious issue, but I'm convinced that the way to value purity isn't to construct a myriad of social taboos, but to focus on loving our brothers in Christ as the Word of God commands us:

Are we ladies around the young men in our lives? Do we exhibit a gentle and quite spirit (1 Peter 3:1-6) or are we boisterous (Proverbs 11:22). Are we loving and encouraging (Ephesians 4:1-6), or are we argumentative and contentious (Proverbs 25:24)? I think the key to Paul's admonition is the words with all purity. Advice I often give to young women is to treat the young men in their lives as if they are already married; we should show the same level of deference and respect to them as we'd show if their future wives were watching us, and we should be no more familiar with them than we'd like to see a young woman being towards the man who we knew we would someday marry. I kiss my brother on the cheek; I am a little less familiar with brothers in Christ! There are some obvious things you can do to help you keep that line between friendliness and friendliness clear; don't seclude yourself with one young man, for instance; don't always be the one to initiate conversation (friendships are mutual); don't allow yourself to dwell on fantasies of your male friends becoming more than friends or things will become incredibly difficult; even when you're in the company of young men, act like a lady, not like "one of the guys;" try not to be the only girl in a group of young men; tell a friend to let you know if you start that high-pitched, unnatural giggle of nervousness... =)

And Lynn, part of being a good sister in Christ to our non-biological brothers is treating them with much less familiarity than we treat our biological brothers. Think about it: we don't want to cause the young men in our circles to stumble by, say, kissing them on the cheek the way we would our younger brothers, right? Part of being a loving sister is guarding overly familiar actions like those. You're definitely right to do so!

Ask your mother to help you: "Mom, when I do that, can it be taken as flirtation?" "Mom, when is that an appropriate subject to talk about in mixed company?" And here's some priceless advice my mom gave me: relax. I wouldn't have run into that wall (or tripped down those stairs, or laughed that snorting laugh, or fallen face-first into the grass) if I'd have been worrying less about my image and thinking more about how I could be a good friend to the young men in my life! Again, there is not list of do's and don't's, but the posture of our hearts speaks volumes in our behavior: purity in behavior starts with purity of thought.

I can't promise that you won't ever become irrevocably twitterpated (someday, you might indeed get married to one of the young men whose gorgeous smile makes you want to run into walls), but these are just some things that have helped me overcome some of my own nervousness.

What are some words of advice that you'd offer to Lynn?